It’s WAY harder to be consistent with making one blog post a day than I thought. 4 days in and I was already beating myself up about missing one. And I’ve only had one person read it, I don’t think anybody has read more than the first one. I think part of learning how to be free is learning to release all the pressure that I put on myself about all the different aspects of my life. I put so much pressure on myself. It kinda feels like part of why I’m doing this is to give myself therapy since my current health insurance doesn’t offer that to me.
I wonder if I’m going to delete all of these one day, like when people actually start reading them. I don’t know if I actually want anyone to read them. It feels liberating for some reason to put stuff on the internet that potentially nobody will ever read. But also maybe they will. And once it’s here, it’ll last forever.
Self compassion has definitely been something I’ve been learning the past couple days. When I was talking to S on the phone yesterday, he mentioned how his DMT experience actually helped him realize how perfect the life he’s created for himself is. And it reminded me of something I’ve already known for a while, but being reminded is important. If you wait to be happy until you have x, y, and z, then you’re choosing to never be happy. Happiness isn’t a result of any exterior circumstance or situation. Happiness is an intentional choice that you make each day when you wake up, and every moment throughout the day. That doesn’t make it any easier. But what Sergio reminded me is that the difference between your life being perfect, and your life being complete shit, is the attitude you approach it from.
If you spend all day thinking about how lame your life is compared to other people, how behind you are, how bored you are, then your life is shit. But if you spend all day thinking about how grateful you are for what you have, how happy you are for the things in your life that are working out, whether it be for your health, your friends, your family, your career, your location, your time, your intelligence, whatever it is, or maybe all of those things. Pay attention to what you want to accumulate in life. Do you want to accumulate bummers? Put all your attention towards bad news, gossip, drama, etc.
But what I want to accumulate is abundance, so I’m trying to put as much of my attention as possible towards gratitude, love, kindness, compassion (SELF COMPASSION!), etc. I’m not saying I’m a pro at these things by any means. I’m struggling each day. But I think giving yourself the awareness of what you can work on to feel better and be happier is important.
I think it was C who told me that one good thing about writing a blog like this is that I’m accumulating stuff for a book, which I might eventually want to write. So we’ll see! I’m about to go put an hour or so into music for my lunch. Talk tomorrow xx
